Women's infidelity why change. Treason. Reasons for betrayal. What to do? How to survive cheating husband
Husband and whether it is necessary to understand the causes of infidelity? It is necessary, says psychologist Irina Rakhimova, because both spouses contribute to treason.
Unfortunately, few people realize that infidelity is included in the "set" of problems that many families face to one degree or another. These difficulties are of two kinds.
If we cannot influence the emergence of a problem or the development of a conflict in any way, psychologists say that this is an abnormal, force majeure event, such as a natural disaster or war.
It is a different matter with normative events: job loss, illness, housing problems. It is clear that treason also falls into a number of regulatory problems. Here we can be consoled at least by the fact that it is in our area of responsibility.
How to deal with this trouble? First of all, understand its causes. Having understood, think about how to find a way out of the impasse.
The husband is changing. Who is guilty?
Sometimes it seems to people that betrayal arose literally from scratch, for no reason. In my practice, there was a similar story: I was approached by a woman whose husband twice in the last seven years met with other women. She said that she had only survived the first betrayal and recovered from this blow, suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, a new betrayal followed.
We began to understand the causes of their conflict and, as always, discovered many underlying factors.
She did not love and did not accept hers, and the woman with whom her husband cheated on her was like two drops of water like his mother. Believe me, even if a man himself is not very gentle with his parents, it will be extremely unpleasant for him if his wife begins to speak badly about them. Condemning her husband's parents, a woman, as it were, casts a shadow on him, and who will like it?
The next reason for their misunderstanding was the role conflict. The wife was ahead of her husband in many ways: she was more educated, well-read, and spiritually also in the lead. Although the spouse was educated, he was an officer, but did not really strive for development. By the way, another possible reason for betrayal is the unwillingness of one of the spouses to move forward.
When the woman's husband first came for a consultation, he said that his infidelities were an accident, but after a while he agreed that they were natural. I then said to both spouses: “Believe me, if each of you now tries to honestly admit guilt to yourself, without hiding behind excuses, if you start from scratch, go towards each other, you will be able to reach a new depth of relationship, and you will be very good together."
Several years passed, and this woman again came for a consultation. She said that, in general, now everything is fine in their family; only it seems to her that she, as before, gives her husband more than he gives her. In the conversation, it turned out that she had recently been diagnosed with a serious diagnosis and the question was about life and death. It is clear that we have already talked more about her condition than about their relationship with her husband.
Time passed, and she called again to say that everything was fine with her health. I asked about her husband, and she shared with me her joy that at last she was convinced of his sincere and deep love. She saw how touchingly he cared for her when she was ill.
So, back to the causes of treason. It happens that a girl in childhood suffered a trauma associated with betrayal, and then she, without forgiving him and pitying her mother, risks getting the bitter experience of her husband's betrayal already in her own family. Or a young man, having condemned a parent, unwittingly, will find himself in a similar situation.
Another reason why people embark on the path of infidelity has to do with their own negative experiences. It may happen that in a previous relationship or previous marriage, a person has already faced betrayal. If the offense remains unforgiven, not experienced to the end, it will provoke a desire to take out the pain on someone else. There is a certain transfer of revenge on a person who does not understand in a dream or spirit why such injustice is being committed against him.
The main premise pushing for treason is control. The desire to keep loved ones, as they say, "in check" is characteristic primarily of co-dependent people. They are not confident in themselves, therefore, comparing themselves with fictional or obvious rivals or rivals, they almost always draw a conclusion not in their favor. If, for example, a husband preferred to look at another or think about another, then in the opinion of such people this means that they themselves are nobody.
It is clear that they are unlikely to clearly fix such thoughts in their heads, but our psyche has its own laws. It is difficult for a person who is prone to codependency to separate himself from another. For him, the other is me. He must think like me, act like me.
Such a person himself is not free, first of all, from fears, anxiety, therefore he is afraid to give freedom to another. She scares him, in her he sees an unfavorable prognosis for a relationship. For example, if a husband is delayed somewhere, it means that he either had an accident or is definitely cheating with someone.
The controlling spouse, as it were, calms himself when he asks several times a day where a loved one is and when a loved one will come home, but he does not think about how the one who is pulled and tormented by suspicions or excessive attention lives. Truly, this is suffocating love.
One of the most common reasons for cheating is inattention on the part of a husband or wife and stinginess in expressing intimacy: the lack of gifts, warm and affectionate words. Relationships on the side seem brighter than usual due to their novelty, they can be colored by a romantic mood that has already left the family life of the spouses. On the other hand, rudeness and bad manners, the inability to express one's feelings, hurts, makes the home atmosphere painful and, as a result, literally pushes them to betrayal.
After infidelity: is it necessary to get a divorce?
Believe me, there are hardly any people in the world who would like to get divorced: everyone understands that this is a difficult test. As a rule, the person who has committed adultery takes a wait-and-see attitude and observes the behavior of the spouse. If he does not notice any changes, he may not admit guilt, or with a clear conscience he will go home, mentally convincing himself that he is right.
It has been noticed that almost any family that has experienced such a drama can be saved, but for this you need to behave correctly. If the spouse is categorical, if he (she) constantly returns to the events associated with infidelity, reproaches the "cheater", is focused only on his emotions, it is difficult to expect a favorable outcome.
If the offended side also sees its contribution to the painful situation and does not assign excessive "penalties" to the offending spouse, but shifts attention to himself, to his personal and spiritual growth, she (he) will quickly get out of the conflict. Tell me, what kind of lost person would want to get away from an interesting, enthusiastic and free person?!
There is such a thing as psychological homeostasis. As we remember, in the family all the time there is a search for a balance between what we give and what we receive. Until the marital relationship is strengthened, the husband and wife are looking at each other: I gave you more, and you gave me less, I do, but you do not.
A person who pulls the blanket over himself and demands attention may not express aloud dissatisfaction with the lack of attention and care. But so that he (she) suddenly does not suddenly pack his suitcase and leave with the words: "I can't live like this anymore" - painstaking, daily work of both spouses is needed. Only love plus a thoughtful and careful attitude towards each other can maintain this psychological homeostasis of the family.
Discussion
And if the husband cheats with prostitutes? Then you should also forgive? And if this is repeated repeatedly. And every time he swears and swears that it was drunk, and this will not happen again? Do you think he will change? For 10 years of marriage, it has already happened several times. And for the last six months already 3 times. I don't think this person will ever change. We have two children, I feel sorry for them. I'm afraid they will infect me with something incurable and the children will remain orphans. I don't know what to do, please advise
12.03.2019 15:10:26, AisauleThere are no perfect women, there are no perfect men. Perhaps something does not satisfy in a relationship, no matter how trite it sounds. Therefore, the reasons may be the sea. If he loves, he will lie to save the relationship, if he does not love, he will still lie to maintain comfort. And only if everything suits him at home, he will never go "to the side", or restrain himself because of his decency
04/02/2018 18:35:10, RhodopesBut there are also sudden betrayals, if they are not long-term. You can forgive.
Cheating has one reason - the desire to change. Without desire, he simply will not get up.
They change because something is not right at home - there is one reason for everything. A loving person will never look to the left even if his pants will itch, and if at least something is wrong at home, he will go looking for happiness on the side. And not everyone can talk. there are those (on the example of familiar families I can judge) who have been cheating for years (with the same mistress), but do not confess and never confess.
01.04.2018 16:57:49, I will visit more oftenIt seems to me that "reasons for cheating" sounds somehow incorrect, as if there are reasons for cheating. In my opinion, they are not. If something does not suit adults, they can always talk. Or break up. So more honest.
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Recently, a frequent guest has appeared in our house, a friend of my husband, who is in the process of divorce. He has nothing special to do, he went to live with his mother and now kills time in the evenings at a party or bars. So, listening to his stories about the former, who suddenly became the most fallen woman in the world, I thought about the reason for her act and even went through the entire Internet in search of a solution to this puzzle.
Since, according to the stories of the deceived husband, everything was perfect with them, he worked hard to provide for her and the children, she also worked, but did not overwork. There were two children, they lived in abundance, went on vacation, there were almost no scandals. And then, like a bolt from the blue - the betrayal of the right wife. He learned about it from her friend, who opened up after a couple of glasses of wine. The girlfriend was kicked out with a bang, the wife was backed up against the wall, where she confessed to everything. She begged to forgive her, said that she did not know why she did this, and promised never again and never for anything. He could not forgive and believes that this cannot be forgiven. They filed for divorce, she still hopes for reconciliation, and he fiercely hates the entire female sex and says that he will never marry again, because all women (I will not write this word here with the letter S).
There are many reasons for female infidelity on the Internet. It seems that they are written by offended men who do not represent the essence of the issue at all. Some of them even made me laugh: “Women cheat when they get bored, they need money, or there is a prospect of having a cooler male.” Oh, how, I don’t know what kind of “women” this poor fellow talked with, but I just want to talk about women who, after many years of living together, decided to commit adultery, fully understanding its disastrous consequences. And there are three root causes:
Reason number 1: she stopped feeling loved, turned into a wife or fighting girlfriend of life
This happens when a man begins to use his soulmate as a cook and nanny, and the quantity or quality of sex is drastically reduced. Beautiful words leave, declarations of love, romance, and the routine begins. Indeed, in our advanced age, a man works, thinks about politics and meets friends in bars, and a woman works, gives birth in agony, takes care of children and rustles around the house. At the same time, she tries to look like a beauty, and not a tortured horse, and she really wants to be loved. And now the main question: does she feel love?
Reason #2: She wants to avenge his cheating
A rare man NEVER cheats. And they change most of all just those who completely devote their lives to a partner, forgetting about their own desires. In such women, men are 100% sure, believing that they will not go anywhere. And such men give romance and care to others. A woman may not know about cheating, but intuitively feel it, because relationships in a couple are changing dramatically. And when the opportunity arises, the poor thing will certainly remember all the grievances.
Reason #3: She is sexually unsatisfied
In fact, this reason is much less common than the previous two. They do not often dare to change because of sexual dissatisfaction, however, many men, oddly enough, put this very reason almost as the main one. It seems to me that this is the prerogative of men, and for women, intimacy is made up of not only physical pleasures. Although, if she stopped getting an orgasm or was left without marital caresses at all, intimacy on the side becomes not such a bad idea for her.
In general, the double behavior of women, it seems to me, follows from the behavior of both spouses. There is a saying: "Tangos are danced together." Such cases are difficult to justify, but worth investigating. At least not to make similar mistakes in the future. I know one thing: the vast majority of women would probably not decide to cheat if their partner admitted his mistakes and took at least some action to correct everything. Is not it so?
Many men wonder what it is that pushes a woman to cheat. We tried to understand this subtle matter.
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little fire
In the first place in the ranking of reasons for female infidelity is, no matter how trite, the usual sexual dissatisfaction. As a rule, often we are simply afraid to say that the husband is doing something wrong in bed. If the problem is hushed up, it will never be solved. A woman, on the other hand, can quite by chance meet a person with whom, even in the absence of an emotional connection and an all-consuming feeling, she will experience an unknown pleasure. And the shaky path of adultery will be irrevocably beaten.
In addition, if we talk about the physiological side of the issue, women are pushed to adultery by dissatisfaction not only with the quality of sex, but also with its quantity. It happens that at some point the number of sexual contacts in the family goes down on the initiative (more precisely, due to lack of initiative) of a man. He has a headache, he is tired, he just does not understand why a woman needs so much attention.
What to do? Psychologists and psychotherapists recommend talking. Moreover, things in conversations should be called by their proper names, without trying to “soften”, otherwise, dear ladies, you risk being misunderstood or misunderstood at all. In especially neglected cases, it makes sense to contact a psychotherapist who specializes in family relationships.
"We're even, dear!"
The second reason, no less common, is "out of spite." The concept of "treason out of spite" includes a fairly wide range of circumstances that push a woman to have a lover. It can be like a desire to get rid of psychological dependence, when the dominant of the husband deprives the wife in a couple of any manifestation of individuality. “Kinder, kuhe, kirche” (“Children, kitchen, church”) - how many family boats are broken into an ideal, according to well-fed German burghers, marriage format. When a husband seeks to make a home hen out of a free, individual, extraordinary personality, he should remember the phrase about a nightingale that does not sing in a cage.
Alas, if this is the only format of marriage relationships for a man, it is better for him to immediately prepare for the appearance of horns. A woman will seek recognition in the eyes of other men, in the eyes of someone who will again give her the opportunity to feel like not just a mother, a cook and an obedient housewife, but a Woman with a capital letter. Sometimes a woman realizes different sides of her personality with different men, and the number of lovers is not limited to one. The percentage of divorces in couples where the man suppresses the female individuality is quite high.
In addition, a good example can push a woman to cheat. Upon learning that their spouse has started an affair, many women do the same. Firstly, “look, I can do it too”, and secondly, so that it would not be excruciatingly painful, bitter and insulting. Again, it boosts self-esteem.
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Love that drives a woman to cheat
There is another common and absolutely banal reason: we sometimes just fall in love with someone else. A disgusted marriage, a cold bed, an unloved and bored husband remain in the background, and He, the man of all life, appears on the horizon. You will be surprised to learn how many remarriages in such cases have a chance for a long and happy existence. You can say a lot about family therapy, that “marriages are made in heaven,” but there is also an opinion that marriage should not be hard labor. Humans tend to make mistakes.
We can all make the mistake of taking the wrong man for the only one and discover it only as a result of empirical testing. Some women, and men too, once in such a situation, are frankly afraid of change. They are afraid that “not for the better”, they are afraid to break off relations that have exhausted themselves long ago, they are afraid of losing stability. And as a result, they live a bleak life with an unloved person. But at the same time, they actively go to the left, justifying their indecision with anything - from children to a sense of responsibility for the one they have tamed.
Everyone chooses for themselves
It is difficult to judge what is more honest - to live in a disgusted marriage all your life and with a sense of accomplishment, awareness of your own heroism, leave behind a string of random relationships, among which there will be one that could change your whole life. Or, to gain wickedness and cut the Gordian knot of relationships that have become obsolete. Take a risk, move to a new level, give yourself and another person a chance, give your former unloved half a chance to find happiness with someone who loves your ex-husband or wife. In any case, everyone decides for himself. You won't be forced to be nice. As for cheating, before deciding on them, it makes sense to talk with your spouse and try to find together what does not suit you. And eliminate. One of the components of a happy marriage is mutual understanding and the ability to be attentive to the problems, needs and desires of a loved one. Or, if the defect is unremovable, at least honestly dot the i's. Believe me, everything secret sooner or later becomes clear. And it hurts to find out that you are being cheated on. Both women and men.
