Introvert Advantage book review by Marty Laney. The main differences between "internals" and "externals"

Published with the permission of Workman Publishing and Alexander Korzhenevsky's agency

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This book is well complemented by:

introverts

Susan Kane

Irina Kuznetsova

Management for those who do not like to manage

Devora Zach

Vocation

Ken Robinson

Muse, where are your wings?

Yana Frank

dedication

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a gift in paper and not giving it.

William Ward

Michael, my husband, with whom we have been together for thirty-eight years. It was you who drew me into the extroverted world and expanded the boundaries of my universe. I dedicate this book to you - you taught me not to detain breathing during the long and difficult process of her birth. I give you the highest honor, the Marital Valor Medal, for your patience: you listened to page after page about introverts for many hours (longer than any extrovert can listen). And last but not least, thank you for cooking my food when I spent days and nights sitting in front of the computer and banging on the keys.

To my daughters and their families. I love you very much, you have enriched my life in all its manifestations: Tinna, Brian, Alicia and Christopher De Mellier, Kristen, Gary, Caitlin and Emily Parks.

I also dedicate this book to all my clients who have had the courage to let me into their lives.

Foreword

As a child, I often confused myself. I had a lot of contradictions. Such a strange, incomprehensible creature! I studied so badly in the first and second grade that the teachers wanted to keep me in the second year, and in the third I suddenly became a diligent student. At times I could talk animatedly incessantly, making witty, pertinent remarks, and if I knew the subject well, I could talk the interlocutor to death. And sometimes I intended to say something, but my head was empty. Sometimes during the lesson I tried to raise my hand to answer - in this way I could improve my grades by 25 percent - but when they called me, all thoughts instantly disappeared, the internal screen went out, there was a desire to hide under the desk. There were also cases when my answers were dressed in some kind of vague form, I stammered, and the teachers thought that I knew less than I really knew. I came up with all sorts of different ways to avoid the teacher's gaze as she scanned the classroom for someone to ask. I couldn't rely on myself because I never knew how I would respond to a question.

I was even more embarrassed that when I did speak out, those around me claimed that I answered well and clearly. And sometimes my classmates treated me like I was mentally handicapped. I myself did not consider myself stupid, but I did not consider myself a model of wit.

The peculiarities of my thinking confused me. It was not clear why I am so often strong in hindsight. When I shared my opinion about what happened some time after the event, teachers and friends asked rather annoyedly why I was silent before. They must have thought that I was deliberately hiding my thoughts and feelings. I compared the formation of thoughts in my head with the luggage not delivered to the destination, which catches up with you later.

Time passed, and I began to consider myself quiet: silent and doing everything furtively. I noticed more than once that no one reacted to my words. And then, if someone said the same thing, they listened to his words. It began to seem to me that the reason was in my manner of speaking. But sometimes, when they heard me say or read what I wrote, people looked at me with genuine surprise. This happened so often that I recognized this look immediately. They seemed to want to ask: “Did you really write this?” I perceived their reaction with mixed feelings: on the one hand, I liked the recognition, on the other, I was burdened by an excess of attention.

Communication with people also brought confusion. I was pleased to be among them, and they seemed to like me, but the very thought of having to leave the house horrified me. I paced back and forth, contemplating whether to go to a reception or a party or not. And finally, I came to the conclusion that I am a social coward. Sometimes I felt awkward, embarrassed, and sometimes everything was in order. And even while having a great time in society, I looked at the door and dreamed about when I could finally put on my pajamas, climb into bed and relax with a book.

Another source of suffering and frustration was lack of energy. I got tired quickly. It seemed to me that I was not as hardy as all my friends and family members. Tired, I walked slowly, ate slowly, spoke slowly, making painful pauses. At the same time, having rested, she could jump from one thought to another with such speed that the interlocutors could not withstand the onslaught and were looking for an opportunity to retreat. Indeed, some people considered me exceptionally energetic. Believe me, it was completely wrong (and still is).

But even with my slow pace, I plodded on and plodded on until in the end, in most cases, I got what I wanted in life. Years passed before I realized that all these contradictions in me are actually easy to explain. I'm just a normal introvert. This discovery brought me great relief!

Introduction

Democracy cannot survive unless it is led by a creative minority.

Harlan Stone

Remember when we used to compare belly buttons in early childhood? Then it was believed that it is better to be "inside" than "outside". No one wanted to have a protruding navel, and I was glad that mine was sitting inside my stomach.

Later, when the word "inner" in my head was replaced by the word "introvert", and "outside" was transformed into an extrovert, the situation was reversed. The extrovert was now considered good, the introvert bad. And no matter how hard I tried, I could not acquire the qualities of an extrovert, so I began to think that something was wrong with me. There was a lot I didn't understand about myself. Why did I feel depressed in an environment that delighted others? Why, when doing something outside the house, did I feel like I was out of breath? Why did you feel like a fish pulled out of the water?

Our culture honors and rewards extrovert qualities. American culture is rooted in strong individualism and the importance of citizens having their say. We value action, speed, competition and energy.

It is not surprising that people try to avoid manifestations of introversion. We live in a culture that has a negative attitude towards reflection and loneliness. “Going out” and “just doing” are her ideals. Social psychologist Dr. David Myers, in his book The Pursuit of Happiness, argues that happiness is a matter of having three qualities: high self-esteem, optimism, and extraversion. He based his findings on experiments that "proved" that extroverts were "happier". The research was based on the fact that participants must agree or disagree with the following statements: "I like to communicate with other people" and "Others are interested in me." Introverts have a different idea of happiness than extroverts, so it has been suggested that they are unhappy. For them, statements like “I know myself,” or “I feel good the way I am,” or “I am free to go my own way” are considered signs of contentment. But no one tried to find out their reaction to such statements. The research questions must have been designed by an extrovert.

What are the benefits of brooding, self-absorption, and other introverted traits? After reading the book Introverts by Susan Cain, we have collected for you five qualities that help introverts achieve success and recognition in society.

Benefit #1: Introverts are humble but incredibly successful leaders.

Despite the cult of charismatic extrovert leaders, their presence is not at all the key to the company's success. So, in his sensational bestseller Good to Great, Jim Collins analyzed the activities of the most successful companies and came to the conclusion that they were usually managed by calm, inconspicuous, restrained and even shy leaders, in whose character modesty was combined with professional will.

The success of introverted leaders is explained by the ability to listen, the lack of desire to dominate, the desire to make the most reasonable decision. They are open to new ideas and suggestions, they know how to properly stimulate subordinates. Introverted leaders are strong in what extroverts lack - in the ability to listen and perceive the suggestions of subordinates.

Benefit #2: Introverts Are Made for the East

Lao Tzu once said:

"He who knows does not speak, and he who speaks does not know"

Western values - courage, activity and sociability - something that helps self-expression and self-realization is closer to people with extroverted character traits. In the East, on the contrary, calmness, humility and introspection are more valued - typically introverted qualities.

Asian cultures use soft power to get what they want. It is steadfastness and perseverance without aggression. The author illustrates this in the words of Mahatma Gandhi:

"By acting gently, you can turn the world around."

Benefit #3: Introverts Are Extremely Productive in Secluded Atmospheres

Introverts prefer to work alone. This promotes concentration, focus and saves them from wasting energy.

Benefit #4: Introverts Are Highly Sensitive

Evolution left people not only with high sensitivity as an independent quality, but retained the qualities that are associated with it - caution and a tendency to think.

What is the use of these qualities in terms of evolution?

The habit of thinking ahead helps sensitive people avoid danger and waste of energy. A sensitive nervous system helps to recognize danger well. People of this type prefer to study and analyze all available information.

Benefit #5: Introverts can act like extroverts when the situation calls for it.

Many introverts successfully disguise themselves as sociable extroverts, performing all the actions inherent in them. So, an introvert can take an active part in the work of the parent committee for the sake of the child, arrange a noisy party for the sake of the spouse, put pressure on the opponent for the sake of concluding a lucrative contract.

Introverts who can successfully "pretend" to be extroverts have a trait that psychologists call "self-monitoring." This quality helps them find clues on how to behave correctly and adapt to the requirements of a variety of situations.

Conclusion

Despite the fact that in the modern world it seems that extraverted qualities are more valued, the characteristics of introverts are not character flaws. It is important for introverts to identify their strengths and develop them. Yes, introverts can act like extroverts in some situations, but trying too hard to conform to the demands of the extroverted world leads to psychological and health problems. It is important for introverts to know their comfort zone well. In work and study, one should be aware of the dangers of "groupthink" and devote more time to individual work.

We recommend reading our sprint "The Quiet Power of Introverts" to learn the key ideas of the international bestseller "Introverts" by Susan Cain.

5 Benefits of Introverts Revealed

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Introverts are better at listening, focusing,
they have ways to inspire love for themselves.
James Altucher, investor, writer

Imagine a person who knows what he really wants, needs spiritual growth and understands where to direct his energy. Lucky, right? A fate-kissed hero from fictional stories? No. He is an introvert. The conclusion of the author of the book "Introvert Advantages" Marty Laney is a real revelation for those who are accustomed to looking at the world exclusively through extrovert glasses. Is it (the advantages of introverts) one person's grin, or do we really know little about introversion? Let's try to figure it out. Systematically and not without the help of Marty Laney herself.

Introversion and extraversion - destroying illusions about yourself and the world

What do we know about introverts? For some reason, it is generally accepted that if a person is an introvert, then he is necessarily shy, withdrawn, prone to introspection. He is called an egoist, a loner, an individualist, sometimes an asocial type and, most likely, doomed to failure. What do the doctors say? Some therapists (themselves extroverts, according to Marty Laney) seriously consider introversion a pathology. And no wonder: modern realities require maximum extroversion from everyone - in order to fight for a place in the sun, for material wealth.

The main illusion that Marty Laney destroys in his book is that being an extrovert and being an extrovert are two different things. And that the introvert is not a diagnosis of failure, meaning that the introvert must die out as a weak link: “Nature did not give our Universe such a setting, otherwise most of us would have been discounted in the course of evolution long ago,” writes Marty Laney. Introversion is not a disease, but a way of looking at life that has its benefits.

Getting to know yourself is a small reason for a big holiday

Marty Laney is not a system writer. But she also lacked those bits of knowledge about introverts that are given by scientific sources, encyclopedias. So she had to come to her own conclusions about introversion by observing herself and other "insiders" (as she calls introverts) in particular. She did not pursue commercial purposes. On the contrary, initially she made these observations solely from personal motives - in order to finally find a common language with her extroverted husband and save the marriage.

The first thing she did was to collect facts that showed how introverts differ from extroverts. For example, she learned that the normal temperature of an introvert is below the average of 36.6 degrees. Or that the brain of an introvert receives more blood than the brain of an extrovert (studies by Debra Johnson). In general, the route of blood through the body of an introvert is more complex than that of an extrovert, and is directed to the inner parts of the brain that are involved in processes such as memory, problem solving, and planning. But the hands and feet of introverts are supplied with blood worse.

Concentration, creativity and other benefits of being an introvert

Physiological features give introverts one main advantage - an incredible ability to concentrate. They are able to renounce the vain world and concentrate on inner sensations, thoughts and feelings. More concentration - more chances to reveal your talent. Marty Laney emphasizes that there is a relationship between introversion and intellectual ability. And here she is not alone in her guesses (but more on that below).

True, the medal has another side. Due to their innate characteristics, most introverts perceive the world around them very sharply. Therefore, they automatically focus on only a few specific things that help them de-energize (which many extroverts classify as an inability to perceive the world around them).

In other words, an introvert is a person endowed with a high degree of internal activity. Those who can balance their energy needs are resilient and tenacious, look at things independently, focus deeply, work creatively, see perspective, think strategically, and have the courage to voice unpopular opinions. The activities of such a person often affect the fate of others. Therefore, the only task that the "inner" (in the words of Marty Laney) must solve for himself is to learn how to restore internal energy.

And her, internal energy, takes much more than it might seem, since the lion's share of this energy of the "inside" or, if we call it systematically, the sound engineer goes to distillation of impressions, in the process of which the introvert is constantly. Inners/sound players need to properly charge their batteries to avoid feeling drained and overexcited. If he does not do this on time, then he loses the idea of \u200b\u200bhis special nature and forgets to take care of himself.

In general, Marty Laney, author of the book Introvert Advantages, emphasizes that feeling overwhelmed is part of the nature of an introvert and one of the invaluable qualities that signals that he has taken in too much information, and the brain is actively processing it.

So, here it is, the main difference between an introvert and an extrovert, according to non-systemic author Marty Laney. It is not in closeness, but in how a person recovers, where he draws energy from. And to be more precise, the source of energy of the “inners” / sound people is not in the outside world, as in extroverts, but in the inner world of ideas, emotions and impressions. Marty Laney clarifies that the insider/soundman has a need for spiritual growth, he seeks to comprehend the meaning of life, and sometimes it is spiritual beliefs that give the insider/soundman additional opportunities to enjoy being in society. True, this is only possible if the sound engineer has found a way to restore and an environment for this in time.

Unfortunately, most "inners"/sound people ignore the information that is obvious to them and try to "correct" in the ways of extroverts. This way is wrong, says Marty Laney.

Level the playing field of life

An introvert should not become an extrovert by pretending to be someone they are not. He must skillfully extrovert - in other words, understand and appreciate the benefits of introversion and engage in self-education in order to accustom himself to go beyond his shell. You need to learn how to act like extroverts: radiate light into this world, and not squeeze extroversion out of yourself. “I would never have written or published this book if I hadn’t been ready to crawl out of the hole and grit my teeth and make phone calls, arrange interviews and talk to people,” says Marty Laney.

It took Marty Laney more than one year to understand himself and make his marriage to his extroverted husband successful. System-vector psychology offers a shorter way. But for this you will have to learn to look at the world in volume, through the prism of an 8-vector matrix.

Types of introverts, or what Marty Laney doesn't know

For an insider unfamiliar with systems thinking, Marty Laney's Introvert Advantage is a real find. The book contains the author's recommendations on how to educate yourself as an "inner man" without breaking or remaking. They are based on awareness. Without it, the author believes, the introvert is “doomed to repeat the same patterns of behavior over and over again.”

However, there is something that Marty Laney does not know, although thanks to his powers of observation he guesses. For example, about the fact that the "insiders" are not so homogeneous in nature. Some are more dynamic, others are often too slow. Still others - and do not seem to be introverts at all - behave too openly, directly and extrovertedly.

In the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, these gaps are filled. Systems thinking helps to understand the volumetric mechanism of the actions of people, both introverts and extroverts. Distinguish people who are slow by nature from those who only look like such because of inner concentration. The mosaic of introversion consists of a combination of one of the lower vectors - anality, skin, urethrality and muscularity - with the upper sound vector. In each of the cases, the "inner" / sound will be different. Here are the portraits in a nutshell. With anality, the inner has the ability to focus twice on internal thoughts and on external details. He is slower, more attentive, with a very good memory and with a desire to get justice from the world (of course, to the extent of his understanding of this). An “inner”/sound player with a skin vector is more dynamic, and at a certain level of organization, one cannot call him an egoist, an individualist, or a closed person. Rather, on the contrary. Like Steve Jobs, he is able to lead a group of people, sometimes very numerous, behind him (more precisely, behind the idea that he professes). True, in some cases it can be fanatical. The “inner”/sound guy with muscularity is an individualist for whom the category “I” is unconsciously associated with “We”. And with the “inner” / sound urethrality, it seems, to put it mildly, strange at all - either he is an idle reveler, a person who passionately loves life in all its manifestations, or a hermit philosopher hiding in his parallel reality. Like this? As, for example, Vysotsky, Tsoi lived, Zemfira lives.

But that is not all. An "introverted" sounder can be confused with a melancholic (and also introverted) olfactory. The olfactory vector, it should be noted, is quite rare in humans. In Marty Laney's book on introverted sound people, there are no recommendations that would help such a person extrovert. The olfactory person has a non-verbal type of thinking and in the literal sense of the word "feels" a person, his thoughts, emotions. The olfactory, as well as the sound vector, is upper. In combination with each of the four lower vectors, the portrait of the olfactory person is modified, supplemented with new strokes. And it happens that a person can have not only one (sound or olfactory) vector, but their combination or combination with other upper vectors, visual and oral - the picture is much richer and more complex.

Instead of a resume

Every day we face our illusions about life. We wake up, look at ourselves in the mirror, scan the external surroundings and, after a cursory assessment of it, go out into the street with the illusions we have about ourselves. If our illusions more or less fit into today's rich, dense information field of reality, then a few seconds in front of the mirror is enough to live the day as it will be.

But if our illusions are dissonant with the world, and the world itself seems suspiciously extroverted to us, we are forced to at least occasionally think about why we cannot get involved in it as easily as neighbors, friends, relatives, colleagues do. In response to their broadcast "Oh, the world is an exciting place!", we have a strange question to ourselves: "Well, why can't you just live?" We shrug our shoulders and drown this question in the whirlpool of everyday life, until everyday life itself turns into a narrow plasticine frame for us. We are constrained, defeated, and we understand that our own illusions are no longer our size. But a paradoxical world awaits introverts. More precisely, in order for them to show their advantages. Because only thanks to this they can, like Baron Munchausen, pull out of the swamp by the pigtail not only themselves, but also extroverts. The paradox of modern life is that, despite the general collective extroversion and running in circles, the world really needs to stop and, in an introverted, sonic way, figure out where it is rushing at full steam. Where and why.

often read

Marty Laney is an American teacher, psychotherapist and introvert. She devoted her book "The Advantages of Introverts" to the problem of introversion in society and in the world. But there is a problem, she says. As a student, Marty Laney noticed behavioral patterns, specifics of communication, a reaction to what was happening that was unusual for other people. Frequent tiredness, reluctance to leave the room to go to a party, intermittent bursts of talkativeness alternating with silence and lack of thought. Lainey tried to fight these features, to change herself, until she made an amazing discovery. She is an introvert.

Today, Marty Laney is America's leading introversion expert. She is married to a typical extrovert. The book "The Advantages of Introverts" fully reveals this type of temperament, teaches people to realize their uniqueness, to live, not corresponding to extroverts, but expressing their own characteristics of character, socialization, behavior.

Introversion is a type of temperament that was studied by K. Jung and G. Eysenck. These scientists defined the concept of temperament, identified the types of introverts. Introversion is not a disease that needs to be treated. It is impossible to get rid of this specific behavior. You can only learn to interact with extroverts, turn your character to your advantage. Marty Laney gives a detailed description of introverts and their behaviors.

From Latin, the term "introvert" is translated as "inside." Indeed, the introvert is turned to his inner world (they are distinguished by a high degree of reflection and self-criticism), which is its main source of energy. Therefore, such people can quickly get tired with prolonged contact with other people, with constant activity. Introverts need to be alone at least a few times a day in order to turn to the internal source of energy.

And anything can cause a loss of energy - constant presence in a noisy crowd, emergency work and stress at work, upcoming plans. All external manifestations and emotions leave introverts feeling tense. This does not mean that such people cannot focus on work, on the contrary, a couple of current affairs completely captivate introverts. But this should be only 1-2 tasks, otherwise a person feels a loss of focus and control, fatigue and tension.

Usually introverts have few friends, but they are all incredibly close. Here you can see a significant difference with extroverts. Extroverts (from the Latin word "out") are the real consumers of external manifestations, emotions, states. They cannot live without communication, without activity, without other people. And extroverts have many more friends. They are constantly present in all places at once, trying to participate in all conversations, to see more people. That is the source of energy for them. Being alone for a long time makes an extrovert oppressed and depressed.

Extrovert and introvert implement completely different processes for obtaining information. Extroverts prefer to study everything at once, little by little to delve into each subject and science. Introverts get stuck on one topic, but study it more carefully and in detail.

These differences described by Marty Laney can significantly correct the life of introverts, bring them inconvenience. For some reason, their temperamental features are considered less unique - the whole world follows extroverts. But Marty Laney's The Introvert Advantage teaches introverts how to interact with other people without sacrificing their own well-being. However, before following these rules, you need to make sure that you are an introvert. The author has prepared for her readers the opportunity to find out.

How to determine the type of temperament

Marty Laney invites readers to determine if they are extroverts or introverts. The complexity of determining the type of temperament lies in the orientation of society towards extraversion. Some questions may not be answered right away. Therefore, Laney offers two lists of questions that determine the type of temperament. The second list is more complete, with its help you can conduct a more detailed analysis of your own personality. Laney identifies three types - introverts, extroverts and ambiverts. The third type is transitional, such people combine the qualities of both introverts and extroverts.

Introverts in society

Laney argues that modern society perceives introversion through the prism of incorrect arguments and misconceptions about this type of temperament. Such people are often positioned as social phobes, taciturn and gloomy, who constantly withdraw into themselves, devote too much time to one issue, obtaining information. The word "introvert" is perceived as a stigma, an association of an unsociable and withdrawn person immediately arises. The author is trying to show that this is not so. Introverts are not gloomy silent people, these are the same people who are ready to communicate, work, receive emotions. Some qualities of introverts are more useful than those of extroverts. A thorough analysis of information, a detailed study of the issue and concentration on the problem gives a positive result in the work of introverts. And extroverts with their constant change of topic, desire to be everywhere and at once, sociability can harm the working atmosphere. Therefore, when developing serious projects, the efforts of introverts will bring more benefits.

The author gives a list of famous people who are introverts. The type of temperament does not mean that you need to spend your whole life in the shade. All celebrities have achieved success, despite the specific character. This list includes Julia Roberts and Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein and Michelle Pfeiffer, Clint Eastwood and Laura Bush. These are not all introverts who have achieved success and popularity. The type of temperament is not a sentence for a person. Introverts prefer to think things over first, and then talk or do. This quality distinguishes them from extroverts who prefer to chop off the shoulder. Introverts are more difficult to converge with people, trusting only those closest to them. And this means that if such a person trusts you, then you can truly be called his friend. For the most part, the friends of extroverts are just acquaintances. It is difficult to determine whether communication with an extrovert is a true friendship, or is it a necessity associated with the peculiarities of temperament.

However, society repels precisely from extraversion as from the norm, so introverts experience inconvenience in communication. It often falls on children who are unable, for example, to quickly answer a question due to temperamental characteristics. Few people will think that the child is just thinking about his answer, most likely he will be accused of insufficient intelligence or ignorance. Therefore, introverted children suffer more in school than their extroverted peers. This can provoke a guilt or shame complex, which will form and have a negative impact in later life.

Adaptation of introverts

According to Laney, introverts should not fade into the background, withdraw into themselves and leave society for extroverts. They need to constantly struggle with the guilt that society has imposed on them. To feel more comfortable, you should add breaks to your daily routine when you can be alone, get energy from your inner world. Then the tension and devastation from constant contact with people, with the outside world will not negatively affect you. The work schedule must be drawn up in a special way. Highlight those things that can be postponed if the energy suddenly runs out. And mark those tasks that can be done if there are still forces at the end of the day. Analyze your condition. If you are going to a noisy party, but you don’t have the strength for this, then stay at home alone. This will bring you more benefit. You should never think that you offended someone, did something wrong. The type of temperament should not affect your self-esteem.

The Introvert Advantage is a unique guide that should become a reference book for every introvert. Marty Laney explains all the intricacies of communication in the world of extroverts, saves introverts from complexes and problems with self-esteem. The main idea of the book is to highlight the features and virtues of introverts, who have the right to equal coexistence in society along with extroverts. The Introvert Advantage will help you realize these rights.

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Marty Laney
Benefits of being an introvert

Published with the permission of Workman Publishing and Alexander Korzhenevsky's agency

This book is well complemented by:

introverts

Susan Kane

Irina Kuznetsova

Management for those who do not like to manage

Devora Zach

Vocation

Ken Robinson

Muse, where are your wings?

Yana Frank

dedication

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a gift in paper and not giving it.

William Ward

To my daughters and their families. I love you very much, you have enriched my life in all its manifestations: Tinna, Brian, Alicia and Christopher De Mellier, Kristen, Gary, Caitlin and Emily Parks.

I also dedicate this book to all my clients who have had the courage to let me into their lives.

Foreword

Introduction

Democracy cannot survive unless it is led by a creative minority.

Harlan Stone

Our culture honors and rewards extrovert qualities. American culture is rooted in strong individualism and the importance of citizens having their say. We value action, speed, competition and energy.

If we consider extraversion as a natural result of the healthy development of the personality, then introversion cannot be considered anything other than a "dangerous opposite." It turns out that introverts cannot achieve appropriate socialization. They are doomed to the misfortune of social isolation.

Otto Kroeger and Janet Thewsen, consultant psychologists who use the Myers-Briggs personality type indicator in their work, discuss the unenviable position of the introvert in their book Type Talk: “There are three times less introverts. As a result, they must develop additional skills that will help them cope with the enormous pressure from society to “fit in” with all its other members. The introvert is faced with the need to respond to the outside world and correspond to it every day, almost from the moment of awakening.

I think the playing field needs to be leveled a bit. Extroverts are advertised with might and main. And it's time for introverts to finally realize how unique and unusual they are. We are ripe for a cultural shift in consciousness towards the recognition of introversion. We have to stop adjusting and conforming. We need to appreciate ourselves for who we are. This book is designed to help us achieve this. In it, you will get acquainted with three main points: 1) how to determine whether you are an introvert or not (you may be surprised); 2) how to understand and appreciate the benefits of introversion; 3) how to nurture your own unique nature with the help of numerous useful tips and tools.

I'm fine, I'm just an introvert

What a pleasant surprise to finally discover how lonely it can be to be alone.

Ellen Burstyn

When I was thirty years old, I changed my profession. I used to work as a librarian in a children's library, but then I became interested in psychotherapy (as you can see, these two introverted activities require social skills). Although I was interested in many things in the profession of a librarian, I wanted to work directly with people. Helping others develop, facilitating the formation of a person so that a person can live a full life - I saw my destiny in this.

During my graduate studies, I encountered for the second time the phenomenon of introversion as a very special type of temperament or way of life. The purpose of my dissertation was to analyze a number of tests to determine the type of personality. According to the tests, it turned out that I was an introvert. It surprised me then. When discussing the results with teachers, I raised this issue. They explained to me that introversion and extroversion are opposite ends of a certain energy continuum. And our location on it determines the way in which we draw energy. People at the introverted end of the continuum go inward to recharge themselves. Those who are on the extraverted end turn to sources from outside for energy. The fundamental difference in how we draw energy can be seen in almost everything we do. My teachers emphasized the positive aspects of each temperament and explained that both are normal—just different.

The concept of different energy requirements resonated with me. I began to understand why I needed to be left alone to “recharge” and stopped feeling guilty about wanting to be away from the children from time to time. Ultimately, I came to the realization of my own normality: everything is fine with me, I'm just an introvert.

As I began to better understand the strengths and weaknesses of introverts, I became less ashamed of myself. After learning about the ratio of extroverts and introverts - three to one - I realized that I live in a world created for "outsiders". No wonder I felt like a fish out of water in the realm of extroverts!

I also figured out why I hate all those joint staff meetings I have to attend every Wednesday night at the counseling center where I did my internship. And why I rarely participate in group discussions and feel foggy in my head when I find myself in a room full of people.

An introvert, living in a world adapted for extroverts, is under constant pressure. According to the psychoanalytic theory of Carl Jung, we are attracted to the opposite, complementing and enhancing the qualities that we lack, and they attract us. Jung believed that introversion and extroversion are like two chemical elements: when they form a compound, each transforms under the influence of the other. The scientist believed that in tandem with the opposite temperament, we naturally begin to appreciate those qualities that we lack. This concept does not apply to everyone, but it is fully confirmed when it comes to my marriage of thirty-eight years.

At first, my husband Mike did not understand my introversion, and I could not understand the essence of his extroversion. I remember when the two of us went to Las Vegas. It happened right after our wedding. I wandered through the halls of the casino with a completely empty head. The colorful dance of flowers and lights blinded me. The metallic jingle of coins in tin boxes came from all sides and struck on the head with a heavy hammer. I kept asking Mike, "When are we going to get to the elevator?" (It's a trick in Las Vegas: you're forced to walk through a maze of smoky rooms filled with glittering automatons before you reach the elevator and enter your room, an oasis of peace and quiet.)

My husband, an extrovert, was willing to spin and spin there for hours. His cheeks were flushed, his eyes sparkled - the more noise and action, the more excited he was. He did not understand why I wanted to get into the room as soon as possible. And I turned green, as if I had eaten peas, and felt like a trout in ice, which I once saw on the counter of a fish store. But the fish, at least lay.

When I woke up, two hundred silver dollars were laid out on the bed - Mike had won them. Still, extroverts are charming. And they complement us well as introverts. They help us get out of the house, see people, show ourselves. And we help them slow down.

Why I wrote this book

Forward to see the light of things. Nature will guide you.

William Wordsworth

One day Julia, my introverted client, and I were brainstorming. We developed options for her to conduct training seminars. “I am horrified at the mere thought of it,” she admitted. We came up with a number of strategies to help her, but as Julia started to leave, she lowered her head and stared hard into my eyes. “Still, you know, I can’t stand this la-la,” she said. God, it's like I was asking her to be a society gossip. “I know,” I replied. “I hate it all myself.” We both sighed knowingly.

As I closed the office door, I thought about how I struggled with introversion myself. Before my eyes flashed the faces of clients with whom I have worked for so many years. I've been thinking about how being on the introverted or extroverted part of the continuum affects your life. When I listened to clients complaining about traits they don't like, I thought, “What a pity they don't understand—there's nothing wrong with that. They're just introverts."

I remembered the first time I dared to say to a client: “Most likely, you are an introvert.” Her eyes then widened in amazement. "Why do you think so?" she asked. And I explained that introversion is a set of qualities with which we are born. It's not that an introvert doesn't like people or is shy. It was clear that she was relieved. “Are you saying that I am like this for some specific reason?” It's amazing how many people are unaware of their own introversion.

Discussing my ideas about introversion with other therapists, I was surprised to find that not everyone really understands the essence of this phenomenon. They perceive this personality trait as some kind of pathology, and not at all as a type of temperament. In defending my dissertation on this issue, I was very touched by the way it was received. I was moved to tears by the remarks of my colleagues.

“Now I view my patients on an extrovert-introvert continuum,” one said. - This approach helps me understand those who are more introverted, and not consider their personality traits as a deviation. Now I realize that I was looking at them through the glasses of an extrovert.”

I know how those who are ashamed of their introversion feel. It's a great relief to stop pretending to be someone you're not. It was by comparing these two points that I realized that I should write a book to help people figure out what introversion is.

How I wrote this book

Calm people often penetrate truths.

Small streams are noisy.

Still waters run deep.

James Rogers

Many introverts feel that they are not sufficiently informed about a subject until they know almost everything about it. This is how I approached my project. There were three reasons for this approach: firstly, introverts are able to imagine the scope of knowledge in a particular area. Secondly, they know from their own experience what happens when the head does not work, therefore, trying to avoid this terrible moment, they accumulate as much information as possible on a given topic. And third, because they don't often speak out loud, they don't have the opportunity to get feedback that would help them appreciate the true extent of their knowledge.

Over the years of working with introverts, I have studied in detail everything related to introversion, however, I wanted to know the results of new research in the field of physiology and genetics of this kind of psyche. And as a former librarian, the first thing I naturally went to was the medical library. When I printed out a list of titles, I was surprised to find that there were over two thousand of them on my topic - it was about personality and temperament studies, as well as experiments in the field of neurophysiology and genetics. Most of them were conducted in European countries, where introversion is perceived to a greater extent as a genetically inherent type of temperament. In Chapter 3, we will focus on a number of studies that consider introversion as a genetic and physiological given.

My second step is monitoring the Internet: a lot of “insiders” should appear there. I found 700 sites about introversion. Many have mentioned the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator, a widely used test based on four aspects of temperament. The first and most statistically significant of these is the introversion-extroversion continuum. The greatest strength of this test, developed by Isabella Myers and Katharina Briggs, based on Jung's original theory, is that none of the existing personality types is considered pathological in it. It is rather an appeal to the inner preferences of a person. Introversion is also covered on giftedness sites, as there is certainly a relationship between introversion and intelligence (there is even a rock band called Introversion, in case you're wondering).

The information I received from the library and the Internet was very useful and interesting for me, but most of all I learned about introversion from my own experience and the experience of my clients, as well as from the people I interviewed for the book. I interviewed more than fifty people from a wide range of backgrounds, including writers, ministers, doctors, historians, teachers, artists, college students, researchers, and programmers (their names and some personal details have been changed). Many of them used the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator and knew they were insiders.

Despite the fact that each chose his profession according to some special criteria, many of them belonged to the class of consultants, that is, in the terminology of Dr. Elaine Aron, people who work independently, struggle with solutions, those who have to learn put yourself in the place of others and communicate with others. These are creative, intelligent, thoughtful people with a developed imagination. They are observers. Their work often affects the fate of others, they are distinguished by courage, the ability to see far ahead and express unpopular opinions. Dr. Aron, in his book The Highly Sensitive Person, argues that another class, the warrior class, are the creators of our world and they need advisers to tell them what to do, and advisers need warriors to act. and do whatever is necessary. Many theorists believe that only 25 percent of the population are introverts - they must not need as many as people of action.

During conversations with me, people often criticized themselves for their introverted qualities. This happened especially often with those who did not know about their introversion. They were dismayed by the fact that those around them seemed to ignore, did not notice them. Knowing that introverts need time to think about their experiences, I called them only after a few weeks, asked them about their thoughts and feelings, asked if they had new ideas and if they had anything to add. And with surprise and enthusiasm I discovered that after our conversations people felt much better and understood themselves better. “When I found out that my brain is arranged differently and I live in a world of extroverts, it became easier for me to be the way I am,” many have noticed. Scientific evidence in the form of scientific research that testifies to the right to be different and confirms the normality of this quality is a powerful means of getting rid of guilt, shame and other negative emotions that people have developed in relation to themselves. The experience gained further strengthened my determination to publish this book.

I wrote it mainly for introverts. I want the "insiders" to understand that their sometimes incomprehensible temperament has a scientific explanation. I also want them to know that they are not alone.

However, extroverts should also read this book. And there are two important reasons for this: first, they can learn some information about those mysterious introverts that they have to deal with in life; secondly, extroverts, especially those who have reached middle age, need to learn to cope with the age restrictions associated with physiological aging through the development of their contemplative self. And this book will help them rethink introverts and develop other, thought-oriented aspects of their personality.

Seal

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