Alan development tools. Alan Fox Development tools. Rules for a happy life, success and strong relationships

Alan Fox

Development tools. Rules for a happy life, success and strong relationships

Development tools. Rules for a happy life, success and strong relationships
Alan Fox

This book contains over 50 strategies for achieving prosperity, happiness and strong relationships. Alan Fox, a successful entrepreneur and father of six, offers advice based on his personal experiences as a businessman, family leader and writer. The author has divided the book into 54 chapters according to the number of tips, each of which also describes situations in which they can be used. Alan Fox's communication strategies are great tools to change your worldview.

This book is for anyone who wants to be happier and more successful.

Published in Russian for the first time.

Alan Fox

Development tools. Rules for a happy life, success and strong relationships

54 Strategies for Building Relationships, Creating Joy, and Embracing Prosperity

Published with permission from Alan Fox, Waterside Inc. and literary agency Synopsis

Legal support of the publishing house is provided by the law firm "Vegas-Lex"

Original English language edition published by SelectBooks Inc.

Russian language edition

This book is dedicated to Nancy Miller, who insisted for twenty years that I complete the manuscript, and to my wife, Davin, who shared all the joys and hardships with me for thirty-five years as I tested the tools of personal development on her and with her. And most importantly, this book is dedicated to you, the reader, and I hope and believe that it will make you happier.

Foreword

If you have not yet decided whether to buy this book, do not waste time on the preface - go straight to the introduction. Or choose any chapter and read. Each fascinating passage contains a useful nugget of wisdom gained in seventy-three years of well-lived life, full of insightful observations. But I must warn you: make yourself comfortable, because the stories told here will captivate you, and it will be difficult to put the book down.

My father makes a huge impression on many of his clients, colleagues and friends, and I have often thought about how this can be explained. Undoubtedly, part of the answer lies in his considerable success in business, which allows him to live in abundance, sometimes showing extravagance and generosity. In addition, he somehow manages to find time to edit a poetry magazine, oversee a charitable organization, keep in touch with an incredible number of clients and friends, read voraciously, attend many theatrical performances, concerts and sports, and travel to different countries. It looks like Alan Fox gets more done before breakfast than most of us would dare put on our to-do list for the day.

But even if you take into account all his personal achievements and insane efficiency, I am sure that my father would remain an impressive figure in the lives of others. He treats people in his social circle in a way that seems to elevate them to a new level. I believe that much of my father's success in relationships is due to his skillful use of his ever-expanding arsenal of personal development tools.

Of course, I myself experienced their impact. For example, at twenty-eight, I got my first job that gave me a chance at a permanent teaching contract at Duke University. A couple of months after that, Hurricane Fran swept through North Carolina, where I had just bought my first house with an acre of land. He uprooted more than twenty huge trees in the forest on my site, severely damaged the roof of the house and smashed the multi-level terrace. I was depressed and did not know what to grab onto: how to clean up the site and at the same time continue the difficult work in a new place.

Hearing about these destructions, the father joyfully exclaimed: “This is so great!” I thought I misheard - did he not understand? But then he said: “Now you have the opportunity to learn how to work with insurance agents, architects and builders. There will be much more sun on your site, and after the renovation, the terrace will be exactly the way you want. My father's optimistic tone and focus on the future took me by surprise. But I must confess that his answer was very encouraging and was the first really constructive reaction I heard after the hurricane. This clearly manifested the essence of Alan Fox: optimism, practicality and wisdom.

Not dwelling on the past and seeing every failure as an opportunity (make lemonade) is a lesson I remember even though it's been seventeen years since that storm. And my father's tool of using infectious optimism rather than sharing the gloom (emoji) has helped me to support suffering friends and acquaintances more effectively ever since.

As a student, I was a research assistant to an eminent psychologist who later received the Nobel Prize. I once asked this great man where he got the ideas for the many wonderful studies he published over the years. Did he search the literature to find gaps in evidence or ways to improve existing theories? “No, never,” he replied. “I'm like a writer of good novels. I observe people: their habits, behavior patterns, features - and on this basis I build hypotheses that I test during experiments. And only then do I return to literature to see what has already been done in this direction.

Sometimes I joke that my father is a representative of "pop psychology". Not being a trained psychologist, but with a fresh eye, combined with the instinct of a novelist, he was able to independently draw several important conclusions about behavior. Now they are backed up by compelling evidence from scientific research. For example, his observation that we sometimes provoke others to do things we expect (a self-fulfilling prophecy) has been experimentally proven by social psychologists. The fact that prior actions are better predictors of future actions than statements of intent (belt buckle and habits are tenacious) has also been supported by research. Ideas that rewards can be more effective than punishment (catch people for good behavior) and that we tend to overestimate how much others share our values and beliefs (parallel paths) have found support in the scientific community.

Several instruments are so observant that they encourage further research. For example, in the chapter on sunk costs, the father remarks that buying a ticket for a tour should be considered a purchase of "the right to choose a tour" rather than a purchase of the tour itself. This subtle psychological difference makes it easier to skip the tour if you make the best use of the time, a rational course of action. In behavioral economics, we call this the frame effect: people are more willing to give up an alternative when they see it as a foregone gain than when they see it as a loss. Thus, my father's idea of openly calling sunk costs "the right to choose" becomes an original self-management tool that, to my knowledge, has not yet been formally explored by researchers.

Personal development tools are useful not only to learn how to manage yourself. They can also be useful in managing others. A friend of mine who used to teach at Harvard Business School told me a story. Once there, they conducted a survey among graduates on the topic of what they learned most in this institution in life. According to the responses received, it turned out to be skills of interaction with people. My experience is the same: I have found that students usually come to business school eager to learn quantitative methods for jobs in finance, accounting, and strategic analysis, but often the communication skills they learn in business often benefit the most over the years. leadership or negotiation classes. They allow you to build useful connections, lead others and resolve conflicts more effectively. I myself occasionally include in my lectures tools created by my father, and MBA students and company leaders appreciate them.

There is an anecdote about how a rookie prisoner spent his first night in prison. When the lights were turned off, he heard other prisoners calling out numbers; to each of them the others reacted with Homeric laughter. The newcomer asked his cellmate what was going on.

- Well, we told each other jokes so often that now it is enough to call their numbers.

The intrigued newcomer shouted out:

- Twelve!

In response, silence.

There was only the chirping of crickets.

Zero reaction. The frustrated newcomer asked a cellmate why no one was laughing and heard:

“Jokes are good, but you still don’t know how to tell them.

Many of the tools for personal development have been repeated so often in family and among friends that a brief description of them will suffice for us. In the course of a conversation, someone may notice that habits are tenacious, and others nod knowingly. Or a belt buckle is mentioned, and the interlocutors smile in agreement. To an outsider, this may seem as cryptic as numbers for a beginner from a joke. But for those who are familiar with Alan Fox's tools, the names he gave them help to understand each other perfectly and recall useful conclusions about behavior. I am glad that my father is finally sharing them with a wide range of readers, and I look forward to seeing some of these names come into use by more people.

So what are you waiting for? Find a comfortable chair and start reading!

Craig Fox, PhD,
Lecturer in Management and Psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles
June 2013

Introduction

Names of your instruments

How powerful are the words of truth!

Bible, Book of Job, 6:25

Their villages often had no names... and if a war brought a person even close to his nameless village, his chances of returning were slim; he couldn't recognize her, and finding his way back alone was next to impossible.

William Manchester. A world lit only by fire

are 54 rules from Alan Fox, an entrepreneur who founded a company that owns more than 70 businesses in 11 US states. "Development Tools" is somewhat similar to the bestseller "45 Manager Tattoos". Both of these books are based on the personal set of rules of established people. Today we have selected 5 tools out of 54 for you. Very entertaining!

1. Drop stereotypes

As a child, I firmly grasped many ideas about how adults should live. This was the set of these rules, as if carved in granite. There were, for example, the following rules: a) A man and a woman should marry in their early twenties and spend every night together until the end of their lives. b) If people are praised, they lose all incentive to try. c) If you are too smart, you will be disliked.

Where did I learn these rules? From their relatives, at school from teachers and other children. These are the cultural stereotypes of my childhood. When I grew up, it turned out that these 10 rules did not suit me and I no longer believe in them. Here's what happened in my life:

a) I got married for the first time at the age of twenty-one. I have now been enjoying my third marriage for more than thirty years; I confess that sometimes I go alone with pleasure on business trips with an overnight stay, when, if desired, you can watch TV until late. b) Praise motivates, criticism discourages. c) Once people disliked me not for my intelligence, but for my unpleasant behavior and sarcasm.

Whatever your beliefs, do what your common sense tells you at the moment. Discard "truths" that might have been helpful yesterday or might help tomorrow. Because you can always change your mind.

2. Focus on Success: The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy Effect

Many years ago I went to a psychic: I was worried about three important transactions. The psychic stated that all three deals would fail. Let me stress that this was her prophecy, not mine. I reacted to it by deciding that I would be even more careful and pay more attention to each trade. My prophecy, which turned out to be self-fulfilling, was that all three trades would be successful. And so it happened.

I understand that hardly any of us want to be wrong and that it is easier to fail than to succeed. So when predicting failure, you may be right more often than when predicting success. However, I believe the real question is: which of these prophecies will help you achieve greater success? This is the purpose of personal development tools. And I want to be right every time as much as you do. I know I often predict myself to fail or be insecure. But my predictions of success also often come true.

If prophecies usually turn out to be self-fulfilling, I prefer to give them optimism. I would rather succeed than predict my failure correctly.

3. Enlarge the target

Any goal in life is a target. I want this job; I want an invitation to this party; I want to win this game. Often, when the goal is especially important, before your eyes it seems to shrink into a tiny dot. You can take a hard approach to the art of target shooting. The difficult approach is to train, train and train again, while risking more and more in increasingly difficult conditions.

But there is another type of practice in target shooting that brings generous results - increasing the target. How can you increase your target? Just expand on its wording.

Instead of saying, “Next birthday, I’ll fly to Las Vegas with Bill, Terry, and Lisa, order a pina colada to my room, and win $5,000 on blackjack,” why not say, “Next birthday, I’ll have fun at glory!"?

There is a saying that is sometimes attributed to John Lennon: "Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans."

4. Use the 80% Solution Rule

Harvey and I have been in the real estate industry for over forty years. Some time after we met, a friend told me that he knew another excellent realtor and asked if he was interested in me as a potential replacement for Harvey.

I am always striving to improve my business and life, and therefore seriously considered this issue. I mentally made a list of Harvey's strengths and weaknesses and compared that list to my ideal. Harvey matched him somewhere by 87%. Not ideal (and who is ideal?), but close enough. After thinking for a few days, I called a friend and told him that Harvey was fine with me and I did not want to look for a replacement for him.

The red thread in my reasoning that led to this conclusion was the following thought: if a person is 80% consistent with my ideal, then I will maintain my current relationship with him and not spend a second thinking about replacing him. Then I added to this thought: if his “score” is from 60% to 79%, I can start looking. Below 60% - this person needs to be removed from my life as soon as possible.

I hope that the benefits of this approach are clear to you, because in life there is always a choice between alternatives. Is your husband (or your wife) perfect? If you have lived together for more than a few days - no. You shouldn't ask such a question. However, it is useful to ask yourself if it is good enough. If the answer is yes, then emphasize the positive aspects and downplay the less important negative aspects of this person.

5. Throw off the shackles of perfection

I was once an imperfect perfectionist. After several years of running my own law firm, I found myself hopelessly mired in perfectionism. Perfection came at a cost. I paid the secretary a lot to retype the letters until there were no noticeable edits left in them. My performance was not perfect because it took a long time to perfect. I have always been dissatisfied with the quality of work - both mine and all other employees. Because of this, the work brought us little joy. I hesitated. When I was given a new assignment, like the first time I had to certify a will, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to do it perfectly.

By the time I was in my thirties, I finally recognized what must have been absolutely clear to everyone around me: although my goal was an ideal, I almost always fell short of it. I was a failed perfectionist. Oh no no no!

Now I don't strive for perfectionism. I am not at all against perfection, especially when I am flying in an airplane at an altitude of 11 thousand meters. But I know that there is more joy and results in my life when I use this tool and throw off the shackles of perfection.

Current page: 3 (total book has 13 pages) [accessible reading excerpt: 3 pages]

Tool #4

Open door: yes

When I find some human activity that is effective in practice, I rush to the computer to see if it is effective in theory.

Typical Economist

... I thought it didn’t matter if he or the other and then I told him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me if I wanted to say yes yes to my mountain flower and at first I wrapped my arms around him and drew him to me so that he I felt their aroma on my breasts and his heart was pounding madly and yes I said yes I want Yes.

James Joyce. Ulysses

"Yes" is the most powerful word in the language.

- Do you love me?

- Come with me?

- Will you help me?

"Yes" is not just a word; it's a touch, a smile, a way of life. “Yes” bridges a gap, answers a strong desire, and makes everything possible.

"Yes" invites me to get closer to you. It removes the walls and allows joy to flow freely from my heart. Thanks to “yes”, the whole becomes something more than the sum of its parts.

“Yes” means that we agree with each other, that we are encouraged, that we will meet the future together in an impartial universe.

"Yes" invites the child into a world of help and safety. “Yes” lets the adult go where he will be comforted and supported. "Yes" reveals the unlimited possibilities contained in your soul.

I asked my brother:

"Won't you do something for me?"

- With joy! he replied.

“Wait,” I said. How do you know you'll be happy to do it? I didn't even say what I want!

Alan, you are my brother! You've never asked too much of me before. I want to help you in any way I can, and I don't want to limit my enthusiasm to a cautious "I don't know, tell me what you want first." I want to tell you a loud and clear "yes"!

"Yes" of my brother was one of the best in my life. It was very nice. I felt how much I love my brother.

Surely "yes" is effective in theory. But in practice? Yes!

Tool #5

Question mark

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.

Gospel of Matthew 7:7

Knowledge is power.

Francis Bacon. Meditationes Sacrae

My friend Albert and his wife Alexis went to Milan for the first time. A rental car was waiting for them at the airport, and Albert got behind the wheel; but he forgot to ask for a map, and there was no GPS in the car. Half an hour later, Alexis offered to stop and ask for directions to the hotel. Albert refused and circled the streets for another two hours, not finding a hotel and going from anger to despondency and vice versa. Finally, it dawned on him: he called a taxi to follow him to the hotel. He never asked for directions.

This story confirms the stereotype that men never ask for directions. I'm a man, and I never did that either. Never ever. Maybe I was afraid that my masculinity would suffer from this, for example, the hair on my chest would fall out? Or didn't want to seem indecisive? What was behind my reluctance to ask for directions? Thanks for the question, but I don't have a definitive answer.

One of my favorite plays, The Rainmaker, has a character who is a divorced, lonely deputy. Speaking of the wife who left him, he understands: she would have stayed if he had simply asked her.

What is missing in each of these situations? Tool question mark.

Question mark implies the following: if you don't know, ask. If you are unsure of your knowledge, ask questions. Ignorance can harm you.

One couple lived together for three months. One morning, when they woke up in a romantic bedroom on the coast of Malibu, the woman turned to the man and said:

“I’m so glad I can’t get pregnant from you!”

- Me too. Uh-uh... why can't you?

You've had a vasectomy.

- Did I say that?

“No, it was Sue from your office who said it.

– You could ask me!

And both turned green with horror. In the end, it turned out that she was still pregnant.

Or imagine your doctor telling you, “The biopsy of your growth came back positive. I recommend an immediate full mastectomy." It's time for question mark. You should have many questions, including contacting another specialist; this is what I suggested to my mother when she found herself in the situation described above.

When to use question mark? When you think it's useful to get more information. By asking a question, you do not sign your stupidity or ignorance, but only show that you need information. My body and health are too important to be left to chance without asking questions.

I recently tore my rotator cuff muscle and had surgery. Since I was told that my shoulder would hurt for the first two or three weeks of recovery, I planned a trip to Egypt. I thought it would be better to suffer while traveling than sitting at a table. On the third day of the Nile cruise, after dinner, one of the passengers approached me.

“I see you had surgery on your shoulder,” she remarked.

- Yes. Probably, my hand in a sling gave me away.

“I've had shoulder surgery three times,” she continued.

- Three? You only seem to have two shoulders.

- Yes, three. The first operation was performed by a local surgeon. It did not bring the desired result, and a year later I had to undergo a second operation on the same shoulder. And then carry out the same operation on the other.

It turned out that my interlocutor lived in one of the cities not far from mine; she told me that Dr. Teebone had operated on her.

“I hope Teebone was your second surgeon and not your first,” I said, “because he operated on me too.

Fortunately, he was her second successful surgeon, who later operated on her second shoulder as well. Probably, my interlocutor did not ask the first doctor enough questions, including how many shoulder surgeries he performs each year and with what result. Deciding not to consult anyone else, she ended up having to have a second operation.

Question mark very useful when you get to know someone. I always learn more when I listen rather than speak. Here are some of my favorite questions:

- What is your cherished desire?

– What are you most afraid of?

How do you know that someone loves you?

– If you knew that you would die tomorrow, would you regret something?

At thirty-one, when I was divorced, I always asked on the first date: "What is your relationship with your father?" (See the chapter "Habits are tenacious").

Now I often use question mark and learned a lot. But I must add that there are situations where the question is not the correct usage question mark.

Here's a riddle for you: when a question mark is not question mark? When it is a veiled accusation. For example:

Why didn't you fix the toaster?

– When will you pick up my shirts from the laundry?

Why are we out of bananas again?

In these examples, the question is used to pressure or intimidate, and I believe that this is self-indulgence, which does not produce the desired result. Better tool to use give me a hug i.e. to be kind.

There are other ways to ask questions that may be misused. question mark. Here are some examples:

How much do you get at your new job? (Impolite, but I usually ask anyway.)

Why do you like this dress? (May be interpreted as criticism.)

Apply question mark to gather all the information you need before making an important decision in your life, such as "Should I buy this house?" enjoy question mark more often. There are no stupid questions. When my kids were little and asked how to spell a word, I always said, "I'm so glad you asked!" And then help them find the answer.

I advise in all situations where the question is appropriate, not to give in to fear or timidity. It is not worth traveling around Milan for two hours in search of your hotel. There is a wealth of information you need - you just have to ask, especially on the Internet. Google will be delighted with you.

If you want something, be sure to use question mark. If you don't get what you want, ask again. And if that doesn't work, ask someone else.

Let yourself use question mark even if you are a man.

Tool #6

Belt buckle

[A noble husband] first carries out his plans, and then talks about it.

Confucius. Analects of Confucius

... for wise people, words are only stamps that they use for counting, for fools they are full-fledged coins ...

Thomas Hobbes. Leviathan

“It's simple,” explained the player of one star team. Great linebackers like Jim Brown or Gale Sayers can deceive with their eyes, head, shoulders, and some even with their knees. But their belt buckle unable to pretend. Wherever she looks, there they run. I just follow them belt buckle.

In high school, I often asked girls from my school on dates. Since I wasn't the lover of every woman's dream—what's the point, I was president of the school chess club—my invitations were declined, often with hints.

“Oh, I’m sorry, but I’m busy on Friday evening.

“What about Saturday night?”

– Let me think... No, I think I'll be busy too.

What about next Saturday?

“I can’t think that far yet.

And we both hang up, and the familiar, uncomfortable silence falls. Teenagers are so prone to dramatize everything.

Now I cringe in embarrassment, remembering how many years it took me to understand that although the girls spoke to me politely, they belt buckles were not pointed in the direction of my Volkswagen Beetle.

There was another way of refusing, perhaps more subtle, but more frustrating for me. A call from a girl on Wednesday evening: “Sorry, but I had some unforeseen circumstances. I won't be able to meet you on Saturday."

It is human nature to avoid situations that are unpleasant for him; for me, they included a frank showdown. Therefore, actions often diverge from words.

I never knew what plans they had belt buckles girls on a Saturday night: babysitting with the neighbor's kid, writing a paper, or sitting in a car with one of those damned soccer players. But after countless rejections, I finally realized that so many buckles will never sit next to me at the cinema and will most likely refuse me “politely”, at least face to face (or ear to ear – on the phone).

Realizing this, I realized that words, including promises, are not identical with actions.

“The check has already been sent to you” is not the check itself in hand.

"I'll call you tomorrow" does not always mean that the call will ring.

I am sure that this has happened to you more than once, and you may have come to similar conclusions. But in such cases, not only the person who waited in vain suffers, but also the one who did not fulfill the promise. However, this happens at a deeper level that we are not always aware of. How many promises will I break before the sum of petty lies starts to backfire on me? How long can I turn my back on my true intentions, telling myself, "I didn't mean to hurt her"? How soon will I be a walking contradiction? How many times can I endure the collapse of my expectations, caused by other people's promises, before becoming a cynic or withdrawing into myself?

“What about next Saturday? “I can’t think that far yet.”

Why are we doing this? Why we are not frank, why our words are at odds with actions - buckle movements?

It is clear that we avoid saying our own truths out loud because we are afraid of rejection and allow our suspiciousness to overcome the unspoken truths that always live in our hearts.

I want to rely on both your words and your actions, and I follow buckle your belt because I'm looking for safety. I want to banish the unknown and accurately predict my future with you.

And as for the girls who turned down my invitations at school, if we were both honest, who knows what good we would get from it? At the very least, if you had gently refused me, then I would not have tried to invite you again, and you would not have to be afraid of my new calls. You can hardly expect openness and honesty from high school students, but it is in adolescence that we acquire habits that remain for life.

Of course, being honest allows us to get closer to each other because we get to know who we really are. In such a situation, most people behave brilliantly. The truth helps not only to build trusting relationships, but also to heal old wounds.

Words that are not followed by expected actions can hurt. My friend Susan experienced this once. Returning from work in the evening, she found a note from her husband on the kitchen table: “I have not loved you for many years and therefore I am leaving. Don't even try to look for me. Jeff".

Susan was shocked and did not close her eyes all night, and in the morning she called her therapist. When Susan told him about her trouble, he replied:

- I really sympathize with you. If I can help you in any way, I will definitely do it.

“I need to meet you today.

- Today? Hm. Today…

- As soon as you have time! I can come right now.

The therapist was silent.

“Maybe at lunchtime?” Susan suggested.

Silence.

Or is it better in the evening?

Silence again.

“I'm sorry, Susan, but I'm busy all day today. I won't be able to.

The reality of the psychotherapist's refusal severely trampled on his promises. Promises and fulfillment are not the same thing. Susan was deeply hurt and told me that she would never forget that day and that lesson. She immediately found another therapist who kept his word.

My father says that if you are ready to make a promise, then you must be ready to write it down and sign it.

I am glad that I have such a relationship with my father. Father's belt buckle often rode in a Volkswagen Beetle with me. He was there simply because I thought about him and felt his presence. That's the way it is with relationships: they're always with you. When thoughts are backed up by action year after year, strong relationships are formed. We have the opportunity to know ourselves better and better as we make our way in the world, and wounds heal if they are not reopened by regular repetition of deceptions both small and large.

Sometimes I wonder if I should write down all my promises for a week. How high would this stack of voiced intentions reach, and how often would my actions match them? Each of us consciously or unconsciously struggles with this problem. We can dodge and feint with our eyes, shoulders, and even knees when the enemy is catching up with us, but belt buckle always reveals our true nature.

How many evenings were there when I promised myself that I would write another chapter for this book, but my belt buckle on the couch in front of the TV?

All our thoughts, words and promises can be deceiving, but the real embodiment of our essence is actions. I believe this is what Confucius and Hobbes had in mind. We will always know who we are and what we want (or don't want) by observing our actions, not just our words.

Be careful, Jim Brown. I follow your belt buckle.

Tool #7

Habits are tenacious

The more things change, the more things remain the same.

Alphonse Carr. From Les Guepes magazine

There is nothing stronger than habit.

Ovid. The science of love

Whenever I go to a buffet restaurant, I always overeat. It happened to me at twelve and is happening now at seventy-three.

Habits are alive.

When I hired Michelle as my assistant five years ago, she had great references. At the interview, she made a very good impression and performed extremely well on our 30-question logic test. Only one item in her resume alerted me.

- Michelle, you have already changed several jobs, but none of them stayed longer than a year and a half. And I prefer that my assistant does not change for at least four or five. Why should I believe that you will work so much for me?

I don't remember what Michelle said, but I hired her anyway, against my own conviction that habits are tenacious. Did she stay with me for five years? Not really.

Five months later, Michelle found her dream job and quit. We kept in touch and she helped me with several projects. At a new job, Michelle met a man she married, but after a year and a half she said that she planned to leave that job (who would have thought!) I immediately made her an offer that she could not refuse, and two weeks later we started working together again. Five months later, Michelle stated that she preferred a different company. Again Michelle had to say adios. But we kept in touch again.

Habits are alive.

In 1991, my wife and I traveled to Hawaii to see a total solar eclipse and spent a week at the Hyatt on the Kona coast. All the hotel staff - from the receptionist to the assistant waiter - were very helpful and always ready to help. This has been the case with every Hyatt hotel we have stayed at since then. Yes, habits are enduring not only in people, but also in organizations. Big Mac tastes the same in San Diego as in St. Louis.

Having dined for the first time in a restaurant with poor service and mediocre food, would you go there again? Me not. I start from the premise that this habit will continue, and I'm almost always right.

If your chosen one or chosen one is late all the time, why do you think that this will not happen on your wedding day?

My friend Ed has been pestering me for years asking me to invest money with him in trading Treasury bill futures. Ed was convinced that the funds would triple, but he needed my participation, because once in this way he had already lost all his money. I agreed to open a $30,000 account and share the profit or loss with Ed. It was an exciting business, but in less than three months, Ed lost half of my initial capital. I promptly withdrew the remaining 15,000 from my account and have stayed away from the commodity exchange ever since.

Why trust all your savings to a forty-year-old broker who is still not rich? Do you think he will manage your money more efficiently than his own?

Bernard Baruch was a highly successful investor in the stock market. He died in 1965 at the age of ninety-four. Toward the end of his life, he was often asked how the stock market would behave.

Baruch's answer was short, precise, and always the same: "He will hesitate."

What are the lessons to be learned from all this?

1. Become aware of your own habits (this can help belt buckle). If you like the habit, embrace it. If you don't like its consequences, then either avoid it entirely (I will never speculate on the commodity market again), try to outsmart it (go to restaurants where there is no buffet), or intentionally try to change it (try use some other personal development tool).

2. Analyze the habits of others. At a reunion of classmates twenty-five years after graduation, you will surely hear from the opposite corner of the crowded hall someone's unpleasant chuckle that you remember in high school.

3. Become aware of the habits of the establishment or market. If you interviewed at a high turnover company, don't expect to stay long.

4. Habits are alive. Living habits tend to persist.

Tool #8

Know thyself

If we want to change something in a child, we must first examine it and see if it is not better to change it in ourselves.

Carl Gustav Jung. Personality integration

…a sense of identity provides the ability to feel that one has continuity and sameness, and to act accordingly.

Eric Erickson. Childhood and society

If on a TV quiz show you were asked to whom the saying “Know thyself” belongs, the answer would be: Socrates.

Although Socrates did say so, in his time this saying was already wisdom. The inscription on the temple of Apollo at Delphi read: "Know thyself," and the ancient Greek philosophers added: "Know thyself, and thou shalt know the gods and the universe." I trust words of wisdom that have survived wars, famines, and literary critics for more than two thousand years.

In literature, "know thyself" is brought up to influence those who brag to no end, and as a warning not to pay attention to the opinion of the masses.

As I think about the many personal development tools, I ask myself which are the most important. If you like to memorize, then grab the whole list. But how do you choose one or two tools that are ideal for a particular situation?

For me, Socrates' "Know Thyself" comes first. To choose a tool, you must know yourself: what you like and what you don’t, what you are capable of and what you cannot do, your feelings and goals. You are like a carpenter who must study his job and materials to select the right saw. Making a door and a piano require different tools.

My mother went to museums in every city she visited. And my father preferred to watch TV in the motel room. Once, before arriving in one of the cities of Texas, my father asked my mother if she would like to go with him to the local museum. Amazed by his sudden interest, she agreed, and together they examined the exhibits for several hours.

Later, in the motel room, my father said that he hoped my mother liked the museum, because he did not want to go at all, but he wanted to please her. Mom replied that she was tired, but decided that this particular museum was of interest to him, and endured the trip for his sake. In the end, it turned out that they both went to a museum that did not interest them.

Mom could have simply said, “I appreciate your interest and, under other circumstances, would love to go with you. But I'm tired and now I'd rather fall into a warm bed.

A father might say, "I really want to please you and suggest that you go to the museum together, but in fact I would rather watch TV."

When you know yourself and formulate your thoughts accordingly, you rarely have to do something that you don't feel like doing.

I don't like going to weddings of people I don't know well, and Davin has a lot of acquaintances. After we got married, we agreed that she would be able to go to weddings alone, and I would join her once every three years. At one of these weddings, I accidentally met a man who worked in real estate, and then together we pulled off a deal with which I made the biggest profit of my career. Maybe I should go to weddings with Davin more often.

Each of us is unique. Your needs, life experiences and resources are different from mine, so we have different starting positions. It follows that often your choice of tools will be different from mine, which means that the tool know thyself- the only one that everyone needs to effectively find what they need in the tool box. You must know yourself, your likes and dislikes.

I once believed that intelligence was the only all-encompassing concept that could be reduced to a single number called IQ. What could be simpler than thinking that a person with an IQ score of 150 is smarter than someone who scores 110? But I've always wondered why people with high IQs make so many stupid mistakes, while people with low IQs excel in so many situations. An explanation for this seeming inconsistency was published some years ago by the eminent figure in the field of education, Howard Gardner. In his book Frames of Mind, Gardner concluded that there are seven distinct types of intelligence, which he defined as follows.

1. Linguistic.

2. Musical.

3. Logical and mathematical.

4. Spatial.

5. Body-kinesthetic.

6. Intrapersonal knowledge.

7. Interpersonal relationships.

"Aha!" I thought as I read the chapters of his book. I thought of Pam, a UCLA student who was a communication genius, though her grades rarely rose above a C. I've always been confident with numbers and like to dig into myself, but I'm not good at foreign languages and I get lost when, God forbid, the car won't start.

A few years ago, Daniel Goleman wrote a book called Emotional Intelligence that makes a compelling case for the notion that there is a difference between the mind itself and emotional intelligence. Obviously, there are separate areas of ability, and each of us manages to perform better in some and worse in others.

Regardless of your inherent ability or lack thereof in a particular area, you are able to improve your performance. In high school, my communication skills left a lot to be desired, but over the years I have improved the situation.

How can know yourself? Look at your belt buckle. How are you doing? My personal trainer works out with four or five clients a day, and in the evening he goes to the gym and trains himself. I would prefer to sit once more; and I like to eat, often more than I need. And my friend Jim has to remember when he last ate before deciding whether to come with me to dinner. I hate hurting people terribly, and the character Archie Bunker from the long-running television series All in the Family hurt everyone left and right.

I'm not too fond of buying my own clothes. One day I went shopping with my mom and Davin, and after a little over an hour, I begged:

- I can not do it anymore!

Mom, as always, said:

- Well, try on another pair of trousers.

But Davin objected.

- Mom, when Alan says "everything", it really is everything. Now he will leave.

I know that when the voice in my head says “enough”, it’s time to stop. If I try on another pair of trousers, I may trip and fall, or, at best, I will not like this pair. I don't need to check myself again. I know it, and so does Davin. And mom ... mom is mom.

Think about your past experience. What did you do? How were decisions made? Did you like the result? Habits are tenacious, but if your decision-making process is flawed in some area, you must recognize this in order to make adjustments. Let someone else make that decision for you. Every time I drive onto one Los Angeles boulevard, I turn the wrong way with enviable constancy. Now I ask the iPhone where to turn.

In the process of self-knowledge, you will benefit from outside help. Ask your friends how you look in their eyes. Sign up for courses, go through psychotherapy sessions, read a self-improvement book.

Know thyself. And then believe in this knowledge and act accordingly when choosing the tool or tools you need.

Attention! This is an introductory section of the book.

If you liked the beginning of the book, then the full version can be purchased from our partner - the distributor of legal content LLC "LitRes".

We have become too accustomed to stereotypes, trying to be perfect, setting goals incorrectly, not focusing on success and forgetting about strengths. Excellent rules for a happy life, success and strong relationships.

"Tools of Development" is 54 rules from Alan Fox, an entrepreneur who founded a company that owns more than 70 businesses in 11 US states. “Development Tools” is somewhat similar to the bestseller “45 Manager Tattoos”. Both of these books are based on the personal set of rules of established people. Today we have selected 5 tools out of 54 for you. Very entertaining!

1. Drop stereotypes

Whatever your beliefs, do what your common sense tells you at the moment. Discard "truths" that might have been helpful yesterday or might help tomorrow. Because you can always change your mind.

2. Focus on Success: The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy Effect

If prophecies usually turn out to be self-fulfilling, I prefer to give them optimism. I would rather succeed than predict my failure correctly.

3. Enlarge the target

But there is another type of practice in target shooting that brings generous results - increasing the target. How can you increase your target? Just expand on its wording.

There is a saying that is sometimes attributed to John Lennon: "Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans."

4. Use the 80% Solution Rule

5. Throw off the shackles of perfection

Based on the materials of the book "Development Tools"

Alan Fox

Development tools. Rules for a happy life, success and strong relationships

Alan C Fox

People Tools

54 Strategies for Building Relationships, Creating Joy, and Embracing Prosperity

Published with permission from Alan Fox, Waterside Inc. and literary agency Synopsis

Legal support of the publishing house is provided by the law firm "Vegas-Lex"

Original English language edition published by SelectBooks Inc.

Russian language edition

* * *

Foreword

Don't linger in the past and see every failure as an opportunity make lemonade) is a lesson I remember, even though seventeen years have passed since that hurricane. And a father's tool is to resort to contagious optimism, not to share the despondency ( smiley) has helped me more effectively support suffering friends and acquaintances ever since.

Sometimes I joke that my father is a representative of "pop psychology". Not being a trained psychologist, but with a fresh eye, combined with the instinct of a novelist, he was able to independently draw several important conclusions about behavior. Now they are backed up by compelling evidence from scientific research. For example, his observation that sometimes we provoke others to do things we expect ( self-fulfilling prophecy) has been experimentally proven by social psychologists. That prior actions predict future actions better than statements of intent ( belt buckle And habits are tenacious) has also been confirmed by research. Support in the scientific community has found ideas that rewards can be more effective than punishment ( catch people on good behavior) and that we tend to overestimate how others share our values and beliefs ( parallel paths).

Several instruments are so observant that they encourage further research. For example, in the chapter on sunk costs the father remarks that purchasing a ticket for a tour should be considered a purchase of "the right to choose a tour", and not a purchase of the tour itself. This subtle psychological difference makes it easier to skip the tour if you make the best use of the time, a rational course of action. In behavioral economics, we call this the frame effect: people are more willing to give up an alternative when they see it as a foregone gain than when they see it as a loss. Thus, my father's idea of openly calling sunk costs "the right to choose" becomes an original self-management tool that, to my knowledge, has not yet been formally explored by researchers.

- Well, we told each other jokes so often that now it is enough to call their numbers.

The intrigued newcomer shouted out:

- Twelve!

In response, silence.

There was only the chirping of crickets.

Zero reaction. The frustrated newcomer asked a cellmate why no one was laughing and heard:

“Jokes are good, but you still don’t know how to tell them.

Many of the tools for personal development have been repeated so often in family and among friends that a brief description of them will suffice for us. In the course of a conversation, someone may notice that habits are tenacious, and the others nod knowingly. or mentioned belt buckle, and the interlocutors smile in agreement. To an outsider, this may seem as cryptic as numbers for a beginner from a joke. But for those who are familiar with Alan Fox's tools, the names he gave them help to understand each other perfectly and recall useful conclusions about behavior. I am glad that my father is finally sharing them with a wide range of readers, and I look forward to seeing some of these names come into use by more people.

Seal

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